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Our family has just launched on a brand new adventure with our son Narayan. To some medical and education professionals, Narayan is "categorized" as a special needs child with mild autistic tendencies and pervasive development delay (PDD). One reason they come to that conclusion is that although our son is almost four years old, he has the vocabulary of most two-year-old children. In the eyes of his family and friends, however, he will never be categorized, but he will always be special. Our special boy.
Thanks to the tremendous emotional and financial support from the Fairfield community and friends abroad, this September Narayan's dad and I flew to the East Coast to attend a week-long seminar at the Option Institute, founded by Barry and Samahria Kaufman. The Kaufmans created the "Son-Rise Program" 25 years ago, after their 18-month old son, Roan, was diagnosed as incurably autistic. Medical experts and even the Kaufman's extended family encouraged Roan's parents to place him in an institution.
"Forget about him," they said. The Kaufman's chose to believe in Roan. With their autistic son as their teacher and guide, they developed the beginnings of the Son-Rise program, and their diligent work paid off. Today Roan has an honors degree from an Ivy League university and a near genius IQ.
To help other children with challenges like Roan's, the Kaufmans refined this incredibly successful, home-based, child-centered program, proving again and again that special children are miracles in progress. The course has now been taught and implemented all over the world. The uniqueness of the approach lies in the fact that it is profoundly respectful to the child's world and places the child in his or her rightful place, as the teacher. As the author J. G. Ballard once said, "I did not raise my children, they raised me."This sentiment probably rings true with most parents. But imagine magnifying it 100 times and you have the parents of a special needs child, parents who really need to learn a lot!"
Our participation in the seminar at the Option Institute provided us with invaluable skills and techniques for establishing a flow of communication with Narayan. We learned how to "invite" him into our world, as opposed to "pushing" him in a direction that we think is right. We also learned how to work with Narayan in his very own play room, and we have begun training volunteers to help us. The set-up of the room is quite simple, making the volunteer the most "interesting" thing for Narayan to focus on. A few toys are placed on high shelves out of reach, making the volunteer the most "useful" person in the room, since he has to somehow ask the volunteer for help to get the toys.
The combination of excitement, energy, and enthusiasm of the volunteer and the complete acceptance and delight which they have from our son sets the stage for a highly interactive and dynamic learning environment. The volunteers learn to find their own energy and creativity to inspire boundless imagination. They let go of judgments and preconceived ideas. In short, they learn the basis for having a fulfilling relationship. Meanwhile, Narayan gains an ever-expanding vocabulary, he learns simple social skills, and he improves his attention span. But most of all he realizes that he is loved and accepted, and that people around him are excited by what he can do. He learns that he can accomplish anything he is motivated to take on.
The shift from constantly trying to force Narayan into our world to joining him in his world was a subtle and profound change for us as parents. It was also liberating and healing for our hearts. By simply accepting who he is and celebrating everything he does, something amazing takes place. He becomes more interested in the things we are interested in. Together we somehow create a bridge between his life and ours, between his world and the world around him.
Before we attended the Son-Rise course, it was a familiar scenario at our house to expect intense crying when we asked Narayan to put down his toys at lunch time, when we asked him to join us at the dining table, or when we attempted to read him a book (even books "we thought" he would like). The simplest things would cause him such grief and for no apparent reason. Now we have changed our approach. If needed, we get right down on the floor with Narayan to establish eye contact, to join in his interests, and if it seems like he's ready for it, to expand the activity ever-so-gently by adding one little thing, some new idea.
Instead of envisioning a child who lacks a complete vocabulary, or a child that is frustrated by what "we believe" to be a "normal" environment, we now see a highly intelligent child who deserves to be cherished, believed in, and encouraged. Maybe he hasn't learned the word "pizza," but if he's hungry for it and instead asks for "triangle," oh, what a feast we all have!
Prior to our trip to the Option Institute, Narayan's speech development was slow. Each new word was encouraging, but we didn't get very excited, mainly because we were so acutely aware of how far he still had to go. Now we have chosen to celebrate everything he does, old or new, and in return, Narayan's response to us has been extraordinary. He is so pleased that we are interested in him and in being with him and that we are no longer forcing our adult expectations upon him.
We do not pretend to believe that all the changes we desire for Narayan will happen overnight. But we do delight in him like we never have before. And we feel that every time we interact with him, we have an opportunity to practice being fully present, fully accepting, and genuinely interested in an amazing human being. We want to show Narayan, as the founder of the Option Institute once said, that "this is a user-friendly universe."
Our son Narayan continues to teach us new ways to find the happiest, least judgmental part of ourselves and from there, join and delight in his unique world and invite him into our own. Many of our friends have asked us to share what we learned at the Option Institute. Above all we learned to celebrate our child, to celebrate ourselves, and to celebrate life. Narayan's extended family of volunteers are contributing to, learning from, and witnessing a miracle in progress.
